2012 NFL Picks- Week 3

All picks are to win, spread irrelevant. I starred my eliminator pick in my pool. I'm already 0-1 this week after picking the Giants, and 20-13 for the season. Home teams in CAPS. 

BEARS over Rams
Bills over BROWNS
COWBOYS over Buccaneers
Jets over DOLPHINS
49ers over VIKINGS
*SAINTS over Chiefs*
REDSKINS over Bengals
Lions over TITANS
COLTS over Jaguars
CARDINALS over Eagles
Falcons over CHARGERS
Texans over BRONCOS
Steelers over RAIDERS
RAVENS over Patriots
Packers over SEAHAWKS

Braverman Power Rankings: Week 2

I unintentionally forgot Sarah Braverman last week. She wasn't sub-20, I just forgot her. Oops. From here on out if you don't appear and don't have plot implications and aren't a credited cast member, you go unranked. Sorry, Haddie.

2012 NFL Picks- Week 2

All picks are to win, spread irrelevant. I starred my eliminator pick in my pool. I'm already 1-0 this week after picking the Packers, and 13-4 for the season. Home teams in CAPS.

BILLS over Chiefs
BENGALS over Browns
Vikings over COLTS
Raiders over DOLPHINS
PATRIOTS over Cardinals
*GIANTS over Buccaneers*
Ravens over EAGLES
Saints over PANTHERS
Texans over JAGUARS
Jets over STEELERS
Redskins over RAMS
SEAHAWKS over Cowboys
CHARGERS over Titans
49ERS over Lions
Broncos over FALCONS

38 Suggestions, Predictions, Prayers, Fears, and More for Season 38 of SNL

I already made my host picks (that Arnett one isn't looking too good) but here are some things I want to, or think will, or hope will, or something else, happen on SNL this season. 38, for the 38th season:

1. Michelle Obama is a problem, but not a problem they necessarily have to fix.

Did anyone ever play Laura Bush? Maya Rudolph can come in the few times the FLOTUS is needed.

2. Don't replace Kristen Wiig, move on.

No "Secret Word" with Vanessa Bayer, no "Target Lady" with Kate McKinnon, and no "Garth and Kat's Sister Kit" with Kenan in drag. Other than Wiig's impressions that need to stay around, leave her characters for when she comes back.

 

3. Promote Killam, Bayer, and Pharoah; and if McKinnon is solid by midseason, don't wait on her.
I assume the first 3 are happening. I think Kate McKinnon is gunna be a good one. 

 

4. Let Sudeikis walk at midseason.
What are you gaining by him staying unhappily? Two Joe Bidens and a Devil at Weekend Update? Let him walk, and give him a sendoff like Samberg's (final 2 Digital Shorts) and Wiig's (this tear jerker).

5. If you won't give Meyers a regular WU co-anchor, at least give him one for Thursdays.

Look, I get that Meyers doesn't want a permanent co-anchor, even if he's better when he has someone to play off of. But when adding 2-3 weeks of extra work of a WU show on Thursdays, it's a necessity. Last time they did this, in 2009, Amy Poehler returned to co-anchor. NBC employs the last 3 Weekend Update co-anchors, two of whom are New York based. Just bring them each in for a week. 

6. Give Meyers a co-head writer.

The show has clearly dropped off. Just do it.

 

7. Don't forget Kenan

His impression portfolio isn't substantial (at least of news makers), so SNL's 6th longest tenured cast member ever (yes, ever. The guy from Good Burger) sometimes gets lost. But he's good. Find times to use him.

8. Nasim Pedrad will be the next breakout star.

Lots of people are talking about Hader and Killam. And don't get me wrong, they're both great. But since Will Ferrell left, SNL's star has been a woman. Nasim Pedrad will enter this season as the only woman with time as a Repertory Player on her resume. There was a time when I got Nasim Pedrad and Jenny Slate confused. That time is over. (well that time was over when Jenny Slate left the cast several years ago. But you get my point.)

 

9. Three Stefons. Max.

Look, I like Stefon as much as the next SNL fan. He's the breakout character of the past couple of years, and really put Hader on the map. But all characters, even those who are simply Update guests, can quickly wear out their welcome. Limit Stefon to Save Stefon.

10. Don’t overuse Hader’s Eastwood.

When Hader introduced his solid Clint Eastwood impression following Eastwood's GM ad at the Super Bowl this February, nobody thought it was going to become a significant impression for the 2012 political season. It has. That said, use it once or twice. Don't have Eastwood come in mid-debates, or at the Update desk with an empty chair every week. It was parody enough in itself.

 

11. Stop with the Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley retired from the NBA in 2000. He is the second-most famous analyst on the NBA's #2 cable network. Why has he hosted SNL twice in the past three seasons?

12. But give us a more recent athlete host.

No baseball player has hosted since Derek Jeter in 2001. No female athlete has hosted since Nancy Kerrigan in 1994! Enough with the quarterback of the year.

 

13. More female hosts!

I broke this down on Twitter last month, but there have been far more male SNL hosts than female, even recently. Unfortunately, this season's first 3 hosts are all male. 

14. A two-time host!

15. Duel hosts!

In early days, SNL would have Buck Henry or Steve Martin host SNL twice in a season. Or random pairs (George Wendt and Francis Ford Coppola! Billy Martin and Anjelica Huston!)would host together. Mix it up!

 

16. Bayer can play Candy Crowley, don’t bring someone else in.

SNL tends to bring in outsiders to moderate the debates. Chris Parnell is particularly good at it, and I expect him to play both male moderators this season. In the past, Queen Latifah has been brought in to play Gwen Ifill. This year, with Candy Crowley moderating the town hall debate, SNL should stay within its cast and tap Vanessa Bayer.

17. At least 3 cast members will leave by the end of this season.

My guess- Sudeikis (midseason), Armisen (after season), and Moynihan (after season, see below). But neither the long-tenured Hader or Thompson would be surprising. Same with the long-tenured Meyers who at least flirted with Live! this season.

18.Don’t get a host who can’t handle it just because he/she means ratings (a la Lindsay Lohan last season)

Lindsay got ratings, but she was awful. SNL isn't getting cancelled anytime soon. And during a presidential year, SNL's ratings will be high. Don't go for the stunt host, it just makes for a bad show.

 

19. But don’t shy away from musical guests who are there just for the ratings.

That said, with musical guests, who cares? Book Lana del Rey every week if you want.

20. Keep doing the “in memory” bumps if other hosts/guests/alumni pass away.

Let's hope this isn't an issue (although I wouldn't be surprised with a Tom Davis tribute of some sort tonight), but it was a nice touch the couple times they did this last season.

 

21. More Hamm! More Timberlake!

It won't happen, but if Jon Hamm and Justin Timberlake (and perhaps a 3rd star) split 1 featured cast member spot, it would be great.

22. If you can’t make a new parody commercial for a new episode, don’t have a parody commercial in that episode.

SNL's commercial parodies are iconic. But after seeing them once, you don't really want to see the same one three episodes later. In recent years the show has gotten into a habit of re-airing the same commercials over and over. Just stop.

23. Have a new female alum host. Ana Gasteyer is on a TV show!

Only FIVE female alums have ever hosted SNL- Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, Molly Shannon, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. SNL showed off their female muscle with the Betty White episode and their Women of SNL special. Get one of the others to host! (And wait a year on Wiig)

24. Don’t focus on one star so they can get an Emmy nomination. They’ll never win anyway.

Self explanatory. There's a large cast, and there's no Kristen Wiig. Spread the wealth.

 

25. Get a politician to host again!

The last "politician" to host was Al Sharpton in 2003, with Al Gore and John McCain as the last elected officers to host, both in 2002. No female politician has ever hosted. Dream host- Bill Clinton.

26. Do what it takes to get a cameo from Romney or Ryan.

John McCain and Sarah Palin's cameos were highlights of the fall 2008 political season. I understand a sitting President and VP not making appearances, but at least one member of the GOP ticket should stop by 30 Rock.

 

27. Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin might not be in NY next year, so make use of them now.

This one is pretty obvious.

28. There have been a lot of new members to the Five-Timers Club since it was last addressed. Do a new sketch.

The first Five-Timers Club sketch is brilliant, with a certain former SNL writer as the doorman, and chunk full of cameos. Other five-timers have mentioned joining the club since. But it has not come up since 2007. Bring back the Five-Timers Lounge!

29. Give me at least one host I have to Google.

I mean maybe not me, I'm pretty up on my pop culture. But someone VERY of the moment is always fun to look back on.

30. Digital Shorts were Lonely Island’s; rebrand your pre-filmed segments.

There were pre-filmed segments before Lazy Sunday and the Digital Short era, and there can be later. Just without the title care.

31. But if Samberg and Lonely Island do return to do shorts, they can use the Digital Short brand.

With this exception.

32. Keep looking for new cast members through the season. And not just from UCB, Second City, and The Groundlings.

The cast shouldn't be set in stone just because the season started. See Kate McKinnon.

33. Do a Malibu Country sketch with Kenan. I don’t care how low that show’s ratings are.

The unbelievable randomness of Kenan playing Reba- this isn't the gender issue of Kenan as Whoopi, this is straight parody- plus Reba's return to television, sets this up perfectly.

34. If your best sketch isn’t political, let your best sketch open. And if you have a good political sketch, it doesn’t have to open.

Have you noticed this with sketches? They put all their political stuff up front, regardless of how good it is. They shouldn't.

 

35. I’m pretty serious with those Claire Danes and Lena Dunham hosting picks.

These are of-the-moment, zeitgeisty, female television stars. And Lena is based in New York!

36. Get working on that new Miley wig for Vanessa Bayer!

The Miley Cyrus Show was a very good sketch for Vanessa Bayer in her first year on the show. That's pretty cool. But it was benched last year. With Miley's new do, it is time to bring it back.

 

37. Lorne Michaels and Broadway Video are losing 30 Rock this season. So set up a current cast member with a Broadway Video/NBC sitcom deal.

My pick? Bobby Moynihan. No real good reason.

38. No more Sacha Baron Cohen-style in-show advertisements.

This was just embarrassing. Let's never speak of it again.

Braverman Power Rankings: Week 1

The first Braverman* Power Rankings, based on Parenthood Season 4 Episode 1, "Family Portrait"

*Not all ranked members are actually Bravermans. This is the Cyr Era now.

2012 NFL Picks- Week 1

All picks are to win, spread irrelevant. I starred my eliminator pick in my pool. I'm already 0-1 after picking the Giants. Home teams in CAPS.

JETS over Bills
BEARS over Colts
Eagles over BROWNS
LIONS over Rams
Patriots over TITANS
Falcons over CHIEFS
VIKINGS over Jaguars
Redskins over SAINTS
*TEXANS over Dolphins*
PACKERS over 49ers
CARDINALS over Seahawks
Panthers over BUCCANEERS
BRONCOS over Steelers
RAVENS over Bengals
RAIDERS over Chiefs

And my predictions. Wild Cards have asterisks:

AFC
East
Patriots
Jets*
Bills
Dolphins
North
Ravens
Steelers
Bengals
Browns
South
Texans
Titans
Colts
Jaguars
West
Broncos
Raiders*
Chargers
Chiefs

Wild Card Round
Jets over RAVENS
PATRIOTS over Raiders
Divisional Round
TEXANS over Jets
BRONCOS over Patriots
AFC Championship
TEXANS over Broncos

NFC
East
Giants
Cowboys*
Eagles
Redskins
North
Packers
Bears*
Lions
Vikings
South
Falcons
Saints
Panthers
Buccaneers
West
49ers
Seahawks
Cardinals
Rams

Wild Card Round
GIANTS over Cowboys
Bears over FALCONS
Diisional Round
PACKERS over Giants
Bears over 49ERS
NFC Championship
PACKERS over Bears

SUPERBOWL
Packers over Texans

MVP- Ray Rice, Ravens
Offensive Player- Jay Cutler, Bears
Defensive Player- Darrelle Revis, Jets
Comeback Player- Peyton Manning, Broncos
Offensie Rookie- Russell Wilson, Seahawks
Defensive Rookie- Chandler Jones, Patriots

My 2012-13 SNL Host Predictions

I was bored. So I did some charting. And that got me some SNL hosting statistics. I shared a lot of them on Twitter. (UPDATE: Here's my tweets about the stats) But it also led me to the average host breakdown for a season of SNL:

10 Actors

5 Actresses

1 Male Athlete

3 Comedians

1 Comedienne

1 Male Musician

1 Female Musician

I played around with that a bit, changing the athlete to female and making it 9 actors and 6 actresses. And here is what I came up with, based on who SNL likes, who is on NBC, who is in the news, and who has new tv shows, movies, or other stuff. In alphabetical order by first name:

Alec Baldwin- SNL regular, final season on 30 Rock

Anna Kendrick- Breakout young actress, a couple big movies coming out

Anne Hathaway- SNL favorite, coming off The Dark Knight Rises with Les Mis in the winter

Britney Spears- The X Factor

Claire Danes- Will sweep awards, Homeland season 2

Cobie Smulders- Coming off Avengers, HIMYM, fiance in SNL cast

James Franco- Does everything, Oz: The Great and Powerful

Jimmy Fallon- SNL alum, NBC's late night future

John Krasinski- Final season of The Office

Jon Hamm- SNL favorite

Justin Timberlake- SNL favorite

Kristen Wiig- SNL alum

Lena Dunham- Zeitgeisty, New Yorker

Leonardo DiCaprio- Annual A-Lister, Djiago and Gatsby

Matthew Perry- NBC legend with new show

Missy Franklin- Olympic Favorite

Robert Downey, Jr.- SNL alum, Iron Man 3

Robert Pattinson- Final Twilight, rebranding (see Daily Show)

Stephen Colbert- Just a gut feeling

Steve Martin- SNL regular

Tina Fey- SNL alum and regular, final season of 30 Rock

Will Arnett- Wife an SNL alum, NBC star, Arrested Development

Top Tens of the 2011-12 Season

Only qualifications are that I watched at least 1 episode and the show aired new episodes between June 1, 2011 and May 31, 2012.

Why I Didn't Like Girls

This past Sunday, HBO debuted a new show, created by, produced by, written by, directed by, and starring Lena Dunham.

TV Critics didn't like it. They loved it. And loved it. And loved it. And loved it some more. (That was five overflowingly positive reviews. There are many, many, many more.)

I watched Girls yesterday.

I thought it was fine. I didn't hate it. I certainly didn't think it was anything spectacular.

I expect at some point I will watch another episode, but I also won't be waiting to find it online on Monday. Let alone watch it instead of Mad Men next Sunday at 10:30 (although at least part of that is because I don't have HBO).

I didn't dislike it because I couldn't relate. I'm a 23 year old living in Brooklyn Heights who still depends on his parents for many things.

I didn't dislike it because all four girls were white. I really have no problem with this. The lack of diversity on television is a real problem, but not in the lack of mixed groups of friends. That's pretty realistic. Especially for Hannah and her friends, an insulated all white group seems pretty logical.

I didn't dislike it because I think Hannah should "stop complaining and just get a job already" as some have said. I went to law school exactly to avoid this job market. I get it.

I disliked it because I didn't like it. The same reason I don't like a majority of the shows on television.

It wasn't for me. I didn't enjoy it. Not my show.

And as far as I'm concerned, that's a fine enough reason.

2012 MLB Predictions

As a reminder, last year my 2 World Series teams both failed to make the postseason, although I correctly chose the NL MVP.

NL
East
1. Phillies
2. Marlins
3. Nationals
4. Braves
5. Mets

Central
1. Reds
2. Cardinals*
3. Brewers
4. Pirates
5. Cubs
6. Astros

West
1. Giants
2. Diamondbacks*
3. Rockies
4. Dodgers
5. Padres

*-Wildcard

NLWC

Cardinals over Diamondbacks

NLDS
Reds over Phillies

Giants over Cardinals
NLCS
Reds over Giants

Awards
MVP: Joey Votto, Reds
Cy Young: Stephen Strasburg, Nationals
Rookie of the Year: Drew Pomeranz, Rockies
Manager of the Year: Bruce Bochy, Giants

Leaders
Batting Average: Joey Votto, Reds
Homeruns: Joey Votto, Reds
RBI: Hanley Ramirez, Marlins
Stolen Bases: Michael Bourn, Braves
Wins: Mat Latos, Reds
ERA: Stephen Strasburg, Nationals
Strikeouts: Clayton Kershaw, Dodgers
Saves: Brian Wilson, Giants
  

AL
East
1. Rays
2. Yankees*
3. Red Sox
4. Blue Jays
5. Orioles

Central
1. Tigers
2. Royals
3. Indians
4. Twins
5. White Sox

West
1. Rangers
2. Angels*
3. Athletics
4. Mariners

*-Wildcard

ALWC

Angels over Yankees

ALDS
Rangers over Angels

Rays over Tigers
ALCS

Rays over Rangers

Awards
MVP: Evan Longoria, Rays
Cy Young: David Price, Rays
Rookie of the Year: Yu Darvish, Rangers
Manager of the Year: Ned Yost, Royals

Leaders
Batting Average: Evan Longoria, Rays
Homeruns: Josh Hamilton, Rangers
RBI: Miguel Cabrera, Tigers
Stolen Bases: Brett Gardner, Yankees
Wins: David Price, Rays
ERA: Felix Hernandez, Mariners
Strikeouts: Justin Verlander, Tigers
Saves: Mariano Rivera, Yankees

World Series
Rays over Reds
World Series MVP
Ben Zobrist, Rays

Managers Fired During/After Season
Fredi Gonzalez, Braves

Brad Mills, Astros

Don Mattingly, Dodgers

Eric Wedge, Mariners